The End of an Era.

I can't believe that I am writing this post right now... but as of last night, Blair has officially, 100% weaned at 17 months..it is a weird feeling, and I'm so sad and emotional right now, despite the fact that I know we were both ready for this. I cut her down to two nursing sessions a day about a month ago, one before nap and one before bed, and then went down to just one before bed about 2 weeks ago. The past few nights felt a little 'different'... and last night I held her against me and I rocked her to sleep in my arms and she didn't even ask for it. My heart is breaking a little. I will always hold on so tight to those amazing memories we shared together the past year and a half. That's definitely not to say the past year and a half was a cake walk, as any breastfeeding mother knows. There were many things I gave up and struggled with the past 17 months. But despite the sleepless nights...despite all the hardship and the hormones.. the exhaustion and the migraines that came as a result of the exhaustion, despite my insatiable hunger and the constant frustration of how my body had changed so drastically....Despite all of this, it was one of the most special and meaningful relationships I have ever been a part of that I will only look back upon with a grateful heart, and deeply miss down to the core of my being. I will always remember that feeling of being needed so badly, the only way that a mother is to a new baby. To be the only source of comfort for her after birth and those first crucial, non-stop weeks and months following. To being the only thing that could help her stop shaking and crying hysterically after the trauma of getting her shots and blood taken. To being the only thing that could soothe her when she was hurt, when she was tired, when she was scared, when she needed to feel loved and calm and protected. It was tough year and a half, yes... but I feel so fortunate and blessed to have shared it for the amount of time that we did. And as we move on, and we grow up and out of phases together, I hope I always remember those special moments together. Because I never took a video, I hope I never forget the sound of her little purrs and the sweet little noises she would make, and because I never took a picture, I hope I never forget the way her big blue eyes would look up into mine in the middle of a session ... I think the greatest sadness I hold with me right now is that I didn't know the night before that it was going to be the last. So tonight... I think I will hold her a little more tightly in my arms as I rock her to sleep, with a little more intent, gratitude and awareness...for the time that will come when she will no longer want to be rocked soundly to sleep in my arms.